Love by Instinct: a short guide to the Enneagram Instincts in Relationships

Introduction

"Love is a verb. Love is not a feeling, it is a behaviour - it is how a person acts and how they treat you." - Oprah Winfrey

In the pursuit to find 'the one', most of us will have to date a number of different people, and during this process, we are likely to see that each of our romantic partners would have 'done' love differently. Simply put, they would have shown that they loved and cared in different ways.

For example, some people show that they care for those they love by ensuring that they always have what they need physically, be that a hat and a bottle of water on a warm sunny day or a big fur blanket on a cold winter's night. These people often seem prepared for any eventuality and would be great allies to have if the two of you ever should happen to become stuck on a deserted island... But perhaps, when you needed someone to talk to about your deeper or more intense feelings, they disappeared.

Another romantic partner might have been rather different - truly focused on your emotional needs and creating an exciting, intense and intimate connection with you. These people really encompass the idea of 'seizing the moment' of every experience and may have taught you to never be afraid of trying new things.

Yet another romantic partner may have brought you into their family and friendship group, connecting you and your relationship to an extensive, warm support network and ensuring that the two of you participate in many gatherings.

You may recognise various of these qualities and behaviours in the previous personal relationships you have had - maybe even in someone you are currently dating. These examples illustrate how the three instincts of the Enneagram might influence how someone expresses love in their intimate relationships.

What are the instincts?

The instincts reflect basic biological and survival drives that we all have access to, which affect and direct our focus and attention, feeding us messages about what is important and what will make people feel safe in the world or in an intimate relationship.

Together with the wisdom of the Enneagram, our biology also shapes us in terms of who we are and how we act. It is for this reason that Enneagram experts identified three main biological drives or instincts that impact our feelings and actions, namely the self-preservation (SP), one-to-one (SX) and social (SO) instincts.

Separate from personality, the instincts powerfully influence a person's way of engaging with and being in the world, including a powerful influence on how they relate to others.

What is an 'Instinctual Stack'?

According to Enneagram theory, we are all gifted with an 'instinctual stack' which includes all three instincts in varying measures. Each of us therefore can access all three instincts. However, we tend to have one dominant instinct, which is more easily accessed and more used than the other two.

Similar to a three-layered cake, your 'instinctual stack' would include your dominant instinct on top, your less-developed instinct in the middle, and your least-developed on the bottom.

Knowing our governing instinct can help us better understand ourselves and the people we love and care about -- and even transform our romantic relationships, especially considering that our instincts give an indication as to how we show others that we love and care for them. In contrast, our least-developed instinct can be a blind spot for us, an area of life (and love) that has enormous potential for personal or spiritual growth.

Love by the Instincts

Let's take a closer look at the three instincts: self-preservation (SP), one-to-one (SX) and, social (SO) and how they might influence our focus and behaviour in romantic relationships.

Self-Preservation Instinct

Focused on protecting and enhancing personal safety, security and comfort, people with a strong self-preservation instinct focus on prioritising physical health, mental well-being and financial security. They are therefore likely to focus their attention and demonstrations of affection on more pragmatic and physical levels, ensuring that they and those they love have enough food, shelter, warmth and security.

They might be somewhat protective over their partner in physical ways, such as preferring them not to walk home alone at night. People with this instinct therefore shape their behaviour on safety and security concerns, avoiding danger while also responding to perceived needs and threats.

They like to maintain a basic sense of structure and ensure sufficient resources. Focusing on maintaining a basic sense of structure and having sufficient resources, they may feel anxious about having sufficient energy to meet the demands of their environment or other people.

If you are in a romantic relationship with a partner who has a dominant self-preservation instinct, they are likely to show that they love and care for you in multiple practical ways. This could include tending to many of life's basic necessities such as financial security, purchasing groceries, investing in the future, providing food and shelter, maintaining the home, personal protection / safety and physical comfort as well as giving attention to the well-being and health of loved ones.

Advice for partners: So when your romantic partner with a dominant self-preservation instinct works until the late hours of the night in order to provide for you and the family, or fills the fridge with food and spends the day repairing the roof of your home - this is them showing you that they love and care for you. Although this may feel like too much self-sacrifice, it is actually a form of self-care.

One-on-One Instinct

People with a dominant one-on-one instinct, also sometimes referred to as the sexual instinct, thrive on feeling alive and focus their energy towards creating and maintaining strong feelings of intensity, depth and excitement through their experiences and intimate relationships with specific people. Their focus drives them toward situations that promise strong, energised interpersonal connection with others or deep meaningful experiences.

People with a dominant one-on-one instinct, also sometimes referred to as the sexual instinct, thrive on feeling alive and focus their energy towards creating and maintaining strong feelings of intensity, depth and excitement through their experiences and intimate relationships with specific people. Their focus drives them toward situations that promise strong, energised interpersonal connection with others or deep meaningful experiences.

Individuals who are governed by this instinct are driven to create truly intimate connections with those they love and to connect with love itself, leading your relationship through deep and meaningful conversations. These partners are likely to be truly focused on and interested in you, actively contributing towards and ensuring your well-being through physical care, intimacy and pleasure. They might focus on making love as a way to support attachment and bonding.

Like partners in a great adventure, they give you the impression that it is 'you and them against the world.'

Advice for partners: So when your romantic partner with a dominant one-on-one instinct sits up with you, deep in conversation, until the early hours of the morning or encourages you to go skinny dipping or makes love to you under the light of the moon - this is them showing you that they love and care for you.

Social Instinct

People with a strong social instinct focus on community and belonging, which makes them likely to see their relationships as part of a larger family and community system, contextualised and supported by the social groups and communities that surround it. Also known as the 'navigating' instinct, these individuals are aware of social dynamics and familial responsibilities, and are likely to participate in collective activities with others as a couple. Their awareness of group norms enables them to navigate these social systems and get along with others.

This suggests that when you are in a romantic relationship with a partner who has is ruled by social instinct, they would likely show that they love and care for you in a way that is often connected to or located within a group.

This might include a busy shared social life, sharing your relationship with family members, driving you to connect with others in ways that will help you grow and ensuring the two of you share in collective activities such as clubs, hobbies, friend or family gatherings and work get-togethers.

Being highly adaptive and able to navigate within groups, they may help you understand group dynamics and their emotional currents. They may also encourage a strong sense of social responsibility and acts of service which may lead them to prioritise taking action on behalf of others - sometimes even over your own individual needs.

Advice for partners: So when your romantic partner with a dominant social instinct arranges a birthday party for you - inviting all your friends and family, or babysits your sibling's children, or signs the two of you and a group of friends up for a team event - this is them showing you that they love and care for you.

Instincts in relationships

Pros and cons of having a shared dominant instinct

When dating, some romantic couples believe in the notion that opposites attract, whereas others couples stick with what they know and choose romantic partners who are similar to themselves.

Regardless of what combination of instincts you find in your relationship, the instincts show us possible areas of tension and blind spots, as well as strengths and contributions.

While all people, regardless of whether they share a dominant instinct or not, can have a healthy romantic relationship, it has been found that when a romantic couple has the same dominant instinct this tends to become a common meeting ground for them, helping them agree on priorities, create shared ideals and potentially reduce conflict.

However, a shared main instinct can also create blind spots within the relationship that can be difficult to move past.

For example, a blind spot can be created in the social arena when two people in a relationship, who both have a dominant self-preservation instinct, focus all their attention on resources, health and family structure to the exclusion of developing necessary social connections or involvement with others. Similarly, there can be a gap in the development of real intimate bonding via the one-on-one instinct.

Pros and cons of having different dominant instincts

Conversely when two people in a relationship have different ruling instincts to the other, there may be an instinctual pull that can become difficult to overcome for some.

For example, someone with a dominant social instinct dating a person with a dominant one-on-one instinct, may want to draw them out into their world or their group, however they may feel that this group activity is not leaving enough time for intimacy or bonding for the two of them.

While they are both fuelling their own instinctual drives, they must learn how to compromise and recognise the instinct of the other.

Conclusion

Enneagram theory has it that we develop our particular 'instinctual stack' in childhood and that our 'instinctual stack' remains mostly stable throughout our lives, though it can shift during times of dramatic change. Our strongest instinct can guide us toward feeling at ease in the world, but it is usually overdeveloped.

It's not surprising that we often act unconsciously from our dominant drive when conflicts arise in our romantic relationships where we often feel vulnerable. Romantic couples who share the same dominant instinct are more likely to resolve differences because their priorities are similar. But romantic partners whose stronger instinct is our own least-developed one often annoy us because their priorities seem to make no sense. Differences in dominant instincts can therefore become noteworthy cause of conflict between two people in a romantic relationship.

If one person in an intimate relationship is dominant in the one-on-one instinct, for example, and the other is dominant in self-preservation instinct, the former may seek a deep connection very quickly while the latter may prefer to keep strict personal boundaries. This can create friction and frustration.

But this does not have to be the case, if we are willing to develop greater self-awareness and compassion for ourselves and others. We therefore need to consciously choose the best way to act in a given situation. Although we all have natural inclinations that tend to govern our behaviour, we also have the opportunity to develop each instinct more fully and this is where further change can be experienced. Developing each instinct more fully can help us gain a more thorough understanding of ourselves, maximize our strengths, and connect with others more effectively.

Practice self-care and develop your personal power by learning about the basic instincts that govern your behaviour - it is an area of the Enneagram that demands personal attention. Devoting a moment, even a brief one, to learning more about you and your partner's Enneagram types can be a great way to gain insight into your personal feelings and release pent up emotional energy.

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